This post is the first in a series. Note: I am not an adoption expert, and we have not yet completed the adoption process ourselves. This advice comes from my research, my experience, and my discussions with other potential and post-adoptive parents. Other disclaimers here.
If you are new to adoption or just haven?t ever given it much thought, you may be at a bit of a loss when a friend or family member brings home their newly adopted baby. So, here?s a little unsolicited advice.
1. Treat the adoptive mother as you would any other new mom.
In my online adoption community, one of the ladies who recent brought her baby home got NO help from anyone. Not a single person offered to bring her a meal, throw her a shower, or help out because ?it?s not like she just gave birth.? Ouch. Really, people? She might not be physically incapacitated from childbirth, but she?s still going to need a lot of help. That means that you should offer to bring a meal or two. Bring groceries. Clean the kitchen. Babysit their other kids, if they have any. Most of all, be encouraging to her. Just as moms who have given birth sometimes experience ?baby blues,? post-adoption depression syndrome (PADS) is real and common. Pray for her. Hard.
Get more info about PADS ?
2. Treat the adoptive father as you would any other new dad.
He?s likely just ask overwhelmed and tired as any other new dad. He?ll also enjoy the meals you bring (especially if there is bacon, cheese, or buffalo chicken involved? at least if he?s anything like Jay). During those first few weeks, he?s adjusting to a new schedule and more than likely doesn?t have paternity leave for more than a week. Be encouraging to him as well. Pray for him.
3. A baby who is adopted is different from a bio baby.
THIS IS IMPORTANT. Because a baby who has been or is being adopted spent the last nine months in a different family than the one he or she came home with, things are a bit different than when parents bring a biological newborn home from the hospital. While in the womb, babies learn their mother?s voice, the way she walks, the sound of her heartbeat, and innumerable other cues that create an attachment bond even before he or she is born. When a mother relinquishes her parental rights and someone else becomes her child?s mother, that bond doesn?t just disappear, no matter how much the new family loves their new baby.
For adoptive parents, the road to adoption can be a bit bumpy. Perhaps they struggled with infertility or experienced a miscarriage or two, which lead them to the adoption path. Maybe they chose to pursue adoption because they felt called to it. No matter how they came to adoption, it?s not an easy path to navigate. It is common for prospective adoptive families to be matched several times before they are matched with an expectant mom that eventually places her child with them. Your friends or family members may have experienced that type of loss during their journey, whether you know about it or not. If they experienced a failed match or two, they may have been a bit reluctant to form a close bond to the idea of bringing home this particular baby, out of their fear of loss. My point is, they may be starting from square one for creating an attachment with their child too. And they don?t have the luxury of a flood of post-delivery hormones to help create that biological bond. What that means is that the new parents may need to spend more time creating a bond between the three of them.
So, here?s what to do:
- Don?t ask to hold the baby for several weeks or even a month.
The baby needs to know that the one(s) who hold him are the ones who are keeping him forever. Passing him around could create anxiety. - If you aren?t sure what terminology the new parents are using, ask.
Ask them if they prefer ?first family,? ?birth family,? or ?bio family? for their baby?s biological parents. Get more info about adoption terminology ? - Don?t ask how old the bio mom and dad are.
It?s rude and none of your business. Be considerate and use common sense. When talking to or about adoptive parents, don?t use outdated terminology like ?give up for adoption,? ?real parents,? or ?crack baby? (seriously, some people still say that kind of thing). Remember that information about the baby?s bio parents is part of HIS story. You may be curious, but it?s not important that you know details. - PRAY for this child.
This kiddo has some tough stuff to come to terms with as he grows up. He might be just fine. He might struggle. Pray for him. HARD.
4. Yes, you can (and should) throw a baby shower.
Whether it?s before or after the baby comes home with them, adoptive parents, especially first-time parents, deserve to have everyone celebrate the addition to their family as much as any other mom and dad. Just because the momma isn?t pregnant doesn?t mean they don?t want their friends to gather around them and shower them with love! Talk to them about what they need and want. Sometimes adoptive families prefer to wait until after the adoption is finalized to have a party, and it becomes more of a ?meet the baby? party than a traditional shower. Sometimes they have all the ?stuff? they need, and a money shower would be helpful to help them cover their adoption fees. Like I said, just ask them what they want and need.
5. Read In On It by Elisabeth O?Toole.
I haven?t personally read this book yet, but it?s on my list (after the five that are required by our agency).?In On It by Elisabeth O?Toolewas recommended by several other prospective and post-adoptive moms in my online group.
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